Platinum Dad

Eli is a believer.  He wrote a beautifully illustrated letter to Santa this year.  Easy.  One stop at the Nintendo store and Santa could make all of Eli's Christmas wishes come true.  I even stamped the letter and mailed it to a florist shop on St. Nicholas street in North Pole, Alaska.  Thanks, Google!  The more earnest he was, the more nervous I got.  Knowing full well that Santa is not bringing him anything on his list, we've all been trying to manage his expectations without spoiling the magic.  Now, there's a trick!

Last night, he was on about Santa bringing him a WiiU again and Karina was gave him a sisterly lecture that started with, "Hey, I'm not getting what I want this year either." And ended with Eli crying, "We should have never gone on the boat."  I took over before Karina got to her conclusion.  "It was going to be really good," she told me.

With a prayer in my heart, I told him that I love him.  I showed him the Ikea Christmas commercials about kids who want attention more than stuff.  He was not impressed and seemed a little nervous about the direction our conversation was going.  Just when I was about to confess the whole big fat Santa lie, my hero arrived home from work.  That man is worth his weight in chocolate covered almonds!!  

At first he didn't want to speak to us because Eli and I each had nostrils packed with tissue.  'Tis the season!  I convinced him this was a tender discussion about the human experience, namely, Why do some kids get what they want, but I don't?  Erik set down his bag.  He took off his coat.  He thought for a moment.  Then he engaged in what I can only call Platinum Parenting and I knew my role had been to stall until Dad got home.  Here is a transcript of their discussion.

Erik:  You say what you want most is a WiiU.  But what you mean is that a WiiU is what you want   most -that you don't have.  Do you want to know the secret to happiness?

Eli:  nods yes

Erik:  Your mom and I learned early on in our marriage that the secret to happiness is being grateful.  What are some of the things that you do have?

Eli:  A family that loves me.

Erik:  We do love you.  What else?

Eli:  My plushies.  (plush Nintendo stars: Luigi, Mario, and CatMario which he takes everywhere)

Erik:  Yes.  What else?

Eli:  A home, food, my pajamas, other clothes, a place to sleep.

Erik:  There is no end to the things we don't have.  That goes for me, for Mom, for Karina, for Sarah Jane...  Right now you want a WiiU, but if you had that, you'd be able to think of something else you'd want.  If you want to be happy, then you'll be more grateful for the things that you do have.  Can I show you something.  (He pulls up the NYT Year in Pictures 2014)

Here's a country that at war.  These are refugees running away.  These people are being shot at.  This team lost the Super Bowl.  This girl got injured in a police fight.  These people are trying to sneak into the country and being met by border patrol.  These women are voting despite threats of violence.  These people died when their building blew up from a gas leak.  This person fell off a horse. These people are angry with their government.  These people are praying for relatives who died when their boat sank.  These kids are practicing what to do in case a shooter comes into their school, these people don't have enough food.

We don't need to look at all of the pictures.  I'll tell you how I feel about Christmas.  Big or small, something or nothing - if we have grateful hearts we can be happy.  You'll see friends get things that you wished you had and that can be hard.  We want to give you everything that you want, but we will give you the best we can.  We will give you a gift because we love you.  It probably won't be the gift that you want, but we hope you like it.  If you want to think about some gifts you can give others, that's another way to feel really great.

Emily, is there anything else you want to add or improve upon?

Me:  No.  I cannot improve upon what you just said.

I am SO in love with this guy!!  #howtodad

We finished up with some snuggles and sent the little scamp to bed.

Happily After

Last year Mermaid experienced hypsarrhythmia A.K.A. infantile spasms or seizures. In this season of gratitude, and as her second birthday approaches, I'm reflecting on that time in our lives. I am so grateful to be outside of that experience, looking back and knowing the conclusion. The uncertainty was crushing. Now doubt is merely the antagonist inevitably defeated by our happy ending.

We have so many "Befores," "Durings," and "Afters" in our days. "Durings" always seem so long, even when they're not. And "Befores" can be discouraging because we can never really go back to them. Even though we can never be sure what the "Afters" will bring, today I'm especially thankful for "After."


BEFORE: Happy Mermaid! So adorable. We didn't even know she had DS, let alone the shadow of seizures in her future.

DURING: The electrical brain chaos caused developmental pause and the steroid-like meds caused weight gain slowing her down even further; no smiles, no laughs, no interest and lots of sleeping.

AFTER: Mermaid began to wake up last December and here she is preparing for take-off in a helicopter aboard the U.S.S. New York. She is all toddler learning to walk, talk, sign and make-believe. She's curious and into everything. She pulls all books off the shelves and has started getting into the refrigerator. I don't even mind cleaning up. I am so thrilled that she is curious and happy.

Happy Mirage

"If you're not happy without things, you won't be happy with things." It's amazing that I memorized this part of the Brite music tapes I grew up listening to because it wasn't set to music. The nursery maid says it of the spoiled (and depressed) princess that she serves each day.

It's one of those lines that I understand better with experience. At first it felt like an easy answer which was Mom's way of saying, "I'm not giving you that, but don't complain about it because you choose to be happy." A couple of years ago I read a quote by a famous actor stating that he wished everyone were as rich as he was so they would know that wealth doesn't create happiness. That's a no brainer. I've seen the ruinous lives of the celebrities spread across the magazines whenever I have to buy more dental floss or sunscreen at my local pharmacy.

There are other happiness mirages that have fooled me. There is the body image mirage which promises happiness if some goal of numbers or physical feats can be met. Didn't work. I've been plagued by the notion that if only I were more organized or if I purged more clutter I could build on the summit of happiness. Not a bad idea, but not happiness. For some it is marriage or children. For years, I thought more space was the answer but that was debunked after a month living in 5,000 square feet. More space=more responsibility, more cleaning and less family togetherness. I thought a basement playroom would bring peace, order and happiness to my life. I haven't been able to test that one out, but everyone that I know with a basement says their kids bring toys into the kitchen and want to play near Mom. At our house, we call this "clumping." I'm sure Mrs. Newton would have written about this law of attraction if she'd had the time.

There is still an oasis shimmering in the distance for me. I'll admit that I do think that having a yard with a fence would alleviate 80% of the pressure in my life by allowing me to unleash my younger children at my convenience. I can hear the nursery maid chanting in my ear, "If you're not happy without a yard, you won't be happy with one." Her words empower me. My happiness is my responsibility. Nobody can give it to me and nobody can take it away. I'm not holding my happiness in reserve for a yard. There is plenty to be glad about. I am happy right now.

Is there a mirage in between you and Happy?

How do you choose Happiness?