Reefing the Sail

This is a parenting technique I learned from sailing.


"Reefing is a sailing manoeuvre intended to reduce the area of a sail on a sailboat or sailing ship, which can improve the ship's stability and reduce the risk of capsizing, broaching, or damaging sails or boat hardware in a strong wind." -Wikipedia

For example, if four of your children simultaneous declare they need to use the one and only bathroom in your apartment, but the seven year old is the only one who says, "I need to go. I'm after Mom!" and your nearly-teenager starts having a stomp-shout fit about it because she was technically the first to say, "I need to go!," then you can reef the sail. In this, hypothetical case, you may smack said pre-teen with a long wooden kitchen spoon imported from Tunisia. Or you may take her precious face in your hands and fiercely whisper, "Don't do this." Or you may smile smugly to yourself at the cliche response of those under the influence of what we here like to call The Pubonic Plague and move on to helping another child find their socks, grateful you've already had your turn in the loo. This last would be an example of reefing the sail.

Fair Winds!

More of my favorite sailing eye-candy

Family Boundaries

I've seen and heard about soap operatics occurring in families that live "too close" together. Everyone is in everyone's business and giving their unsolicited advice. My mother could truthfully quote me saying, "I will live far away from you and never bring the grandchildren to visit." Essentially that's what is happening since we live in New York and my parents live in Utah, but my heart changed over twenty years ago.

With brief exceptional intervals, I have lived apart from immediate family since I left for college. All of my siblings attended the same university so we overlapped here and there living near each other, but never as roommates. We married and graduated, usually in that order, and settled where the work was.

People talk about living near family but not too near. The general consensus is an idyllic hour or two apart. Isn't that just substituting a geographic buffer for emotional wimpiness? If we can respect each other's individual family needs, differences and personal boundaries we can keep communications open and let the fun flow.

I love, respect and admire all the members of my family. More than that, I miss them. Today my friends announced that they are moving to family. In their case that means Sacramento, California which isn't too shabby! As dreamy as the weather in California is, I would happily live in Montana if that's where my family was. I happily live in New York and I don't have any family here, but I long for my family. I wish for aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents on a regular basis.

We've passed the halfway mark with Star. She'll probably move out in the next 5-7 years.